Can I even say this?

Sometimes I’m left with more feelings than I know what to do with. More thoughts than I can process and sieving through them to figure out what is actually going on in my head can be hard. And there are times that once I have figure it I feel even worse than I did before.

Right now my head is trying to get back in control, I seem to be a person who finds winter hard, despite that fact I like to over romanticises it to myself, this winter has been hard at any rate. And so I’m doing the one thing that always seems to help straighten things out, splurge it onto a page.

There are times when the combination of diabetes, depression and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) gets me down. It may not be a surprise to most people but I always feel like I have to manage with a smile on my face and never admit to finding things hard, after all most people have their own problems to contend with, why would they want to know about mine?

But sometimes it feels unfair, sometimes I want the problems that I hear about other people complaining about. The ones that seem like normal 24 year old problems, and I know these so called normal problems are big ones struggling to put enough money aside to go traveling, finding it hard to follow your preferred career options, working more than you want to. To me these seem like problems that can be managed ones that you can find a solution to, and maybe I’m wrong, but for me theses are the problems I contend with too that seen easy and manageable, these are the ones that feel normal and expected and so I find myself getting jealous of people who have this as their main problems.

Because at the moment I feel like I am fighting battles on all sides. The CFS is stopping me doing all the things I want to, the depression is better but I still don’t feel as light and free as it did before it came back and because those two are bothering me the diabetes is more annoying then I like to admit to.

I like to be in control, I like to feel like I am dictating to the diabetes and not having it dictation to me. And the fun new diagnoses that I got in September doesn’t make it any easier. When I went skiing controlling my blood sugars took up far more mental energy than I wanted it too. At every meal I was having to guess how much carb I could eat hope I got the insulin right and rely on the fact I seemed to be running high most of the time and not low to let me enjoy the mountain. I wanted to go and enjoy skiing and I did, but I also got very stressed trying to balance the seemingly endless demands of my unreliable body.

And it’s the bot knowing quite what is happening that is getting me down. For the last two years I have been steadily getting better. The CFS has been improving and I have been getting my life back. For the most part I have been trilled with the improvement and revealing in them. I am able to do so much more and I feel like I should be grateful for it. I should be pleased to be getting better not frustrated that I’m not better yet.

But I don’t always feel pleased to be getting better, sometimes I get annoyed that I’m not better yet. I want to be able to do what I want without having to find time to rest, I want to get home from work in the evening and have an evening not just shower and go to bed. I want to be able to go climbing after work and not have it effect me and worry about lack of sleep. I want to feel free but I don’t. I’m better but I’m not recovered. Once getting to this stage felt impossible. When your surviving at about 20% of full functioning 75% seems so far away it is a dream but now 75% seems like a limbo, between better and ill and I’m struggling to be grateful for being better, right now I’m resenting still being ill.

But I don’t feel like I can talk about these things. I don’t feel like it is ok to say I’m fed of of these things. When ever I mention it I’m told everyone has something going on, or that I’m so much better and I should focus on that or I should think positively or it could be worse. And every time I’m told that I feel like I can’t say that I’m struggling, I can’t say that things are hard. I feel like I have to put a good face on it all. I have to be grateful that I’m getting better not angry that I got ill in the first place. When I say the three of then together is getting to me it doesn’t feel like other people can understand. Most diabetics that have one thing to focus on and deal with, most people with CFS have that depression can come to anyone and is more common with people suffering from other chronic illness but sometimes we all find it too much.

I feel selfish and greedy to want to be better and not have these problems. I feel like I am being a bad person when I get jealous of people who can do things after work, who don’t have to rest for one full day every week still despite the fact they are getting better and sometimes I get scared that I’m getting close to the point where all these improvement will stop and I will plateau without ever getting back to full fitness and I will be left in this limbo between ill and better. Once I thought I would be please with 80% but now I’m longing for 100% I want my life back. I want to be able to climb and slackline and kayak and write. I want to feel like I am balancing trying to become and writer with working and exercise because right now everything I’m trying to do one I’m putting another on hold and it doesn’t feel fair.

I’m fed up of fighting, sometimes it seems like it’s all I have ever done. I fought my head and the bullies as a kid, I fought the depression and autism as I teenager, the depression and diabetes at 19 and then the CFS joined it at 20. I’m almost 24 and I feel bad for admitting I want a break from it. For wanting the medical side to go away for a while because I know it never will. My funky DNA isn’t going to go anywhere and maybe the Doctors will find a drug that makes my pancreases mimic normal functioning and I wont have to balance that anymore. And the depression will get back in its box and leave me alone and stay there forever and I will fully recover from the CFS and it will one day be something from my past.

I want to feel like I can say these thing. That I’m allowed to find things hard. That I can have the emotions when they come. Because I’m only human and there are times when I can hold it in and smile and be grateful not longer and I get jealous and upset and frustrated. And now is one of those times. So I have splurged it on to a page and you can choose whether or not you read it. I have the freedom here to say how I feel and not worry about putting my problems on anyone else and that act helps make them feel smaller and more manageable. It makes the fears reduce and helps me want to fight again.

So this rant and moan may not be fun to read but it’s done it’s job for me. And really that’s what I write for.

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With love,

The girl with the braid in her hair xxx

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