For most of the week, I am home alone with only the cat as company until about half seven in the evening when my parents come home. I’m used to it. I know how to keep myself occupied but it still gets lonely. I’m used to loneliness. It’s a familiar feeling for me. When your autistic it is an inevitable part of growing up.
As a kid, it was the feeling of not belonging. Of wanting desperately to be part of something but not fitting in no matter how hard I tried. There is nothing more lonely than being alone in a crowd. That feeling of total isolation despite being surrounded by other people. I learned quite young that it was much better to appear to choose to be alone than to let yourself be isolated by others.
I suppose it was part of my survival mechanism, I would tell myself I wanted to be alone rather than admit it was forced on me. I would take myself off to worlds inside my head where I had friends and people were kind. I would live in my make-believe as that was so much better than the real world. I could hide from anything, even myself.
It’s not that I didn’t have friends. I did, but highly emotional autistics aren’t always the easiest people to be friends with. There was also the fact that quite a lot of my classmates didn’t like me, I was too weird for them, over sensitive and easily upset. I remember the feeling when things went wrong, when the people I was trying to be friends with told me that they didn’t like me and I wasn’t to talk to them anymore. When I was told by others that I wasn’t to talk to the one friend I did have at school anymore as they were her friends now. It was totally crushing.
As I got older I made friends out of school. That helped but I still spent most of my time on my own. There is a common misconception that autistic people are anti-social and prefer to be alone. While that may be true for some people it’s not for me. I need human contact. I need friends and conversation, while I am happy to be alone some of the time it cannot be my constant.
Now it’s being on my own with no one to talking to for most of the day. Missing the sound of human voices, needing something to break me from the monotony of daily life. My friends are amazing but spread around the country and therefore I don’t see them very often. Visiting is difficult and tiring and even being visited uses more energy than normal. Then there is the fact that even when I’m able to visit they have their own busy lives, with uni, work and boyfriends.
As I have been getting better my need for social contact has increased. Even though I am now out twice a week and go to a cafe to write (and make faces at the babies) I still find myself needing more. I know in many ways this is a good thing. It means I’m getting better, but it doesn’t stop the feeling of loneliness.
This most likely will be my last post before the new year! So have a good December!
The girl with the braid in her hair xxx