I often feel I write best when I let what ever it is inside me just come out. The odd days where I don’t tell myself I have to write about a certain thing or describe an event but instead write about whats going on in my head. That is when words really seem to flow. That’s what I love.
When I first started thinking about writing a blog I wanted to do it because I wanted people to get an insight into what it was like to live with CFS but also because I needed an outlet for all the stories and thoughts that swirl inside my head. I spend much of my time alone, so often words are left unsaid and stories get told to no one. I was worried that I might not have enough to write about. My life is quiet and often dull. I don’t get out much. I spend most of my time in my room, knitting, watching TV, scrolling aimlessly through Facebook, listening to music and reading books. My life, at times, doesn’t interest me, how could I make it interest other people?
Some people are able to write about their lives with deep and engaging emotions, something I find hard to do. When I try to describe things I have done, I often feel my words become mechanical, feelingless and shallow.
I have always loved the why’s. The questions that get your brain running so fast you don’t think you can keep up. The times when you suddenly realised something about yourself or the world because you have been wading through thoughts you didn’t think made any sense. That’s what excites me, makes me tick. That’s what I love about stories, and why I love to write them. They allow the humanity through even without me having to find emotions, when I truly write, they are already there.
I tend to be matter of fact about most things, I suppose it comes from learning to cope with being ill and not having a viable emotional support network for most of my late childhood and teenage years. I had to learn to cope alone. I had to learn how to see through problems and understand they would one day fade. I learnt that dwelling on the pain and frustrations and the fact life wasn’t fair didn’t help and slowly I learnt to shrug things off and get on with life. To find the good things and to smile.
There are lots of things I want to write about. But I know myself well enough to know that I needed to wait for the days that these subjects feel alive within me. Then I will write them. But between times I will write because I love to and because thoughts have become trapped and need to make themselves heard.
The girl with the braid in her hair xxx