There is a feeling of optimism that doesn’t seem to want to leave me. A feeling that makes everything seem possible. It’s a welcome change after two years telling myself I wasn’t allowed to feel helpless, even if I really did. Now my eyes are wide open, I’m looking out at the world, wanting to make my way back to it after too long away.
But to part of me all this feels strange. I not living how I would want too, yet I am happier than I can ever remember being. I still spend the vast majority of my time alone and yet I feel connected to others around me. I have changed more than I ever thought I would. I am happy and confident. I smile easily, I laugh and dance and sing.
It’s hard to think of things like CFS and diabetes as a good thing. It has taken away my energy, my ability to live independently and my dreams of traveling, for the time being. It has made me leave a place I love, to live in one I find overly busy and chaotic. I miss my simple life, surrounded by mountains and lochs. I miss the silence in the glens as I peddle through them on a deserted road. The beauty and the stillness. London has none of these things and yet, for now, it’s home.
And I don’t mind, not really. I have friends here now. It may not be stunningly beautiful or quiet or simple, but it’s my life.
It’s my life in the same way CFS is. The way all the changes I have had to face are. It’s funny. If someone had told me before I got ill in Canada, that I would be diagnosed with diabetes and then eight months later get CFS and not wish with every fiber of my being that I could go back and not have to get ill, I wouldn’t have believed them.
But I wouldn’t change my life for anything. Having to come back to the UK when I did meant I had to face reality. I had little intention of having any kind of relationship with my father when I left for Canada. But after I had settled back in Scotland, my feelings towards him kept playing on my mind.
I was angry, I had been for years. Angry that he didn’t seem to get me or even at times try to get me. Angry that he had made me feel cold and unloving. Angry that when I was with him I never felt like I could be myself. The only feeling I had towards him was anger. It was all consuming. He had hurt me, both my parents had hurt me and part of me wanted them to hurt too.
But I was growing up, I was learning how to look at things with other peoples perspective, something that is really hard for autistic’s like me. I knew they had never meant to hurt me. They had never meant to make me feel the things I had felt. They had made a mistake and I believe in forgiving people their mistakes.
I also was becoming aware that the anger I was holding on to, was stopping me moving forward. I had to let go. I didn’t want to be angry anymore. So I made myself forgive him. It was hard but it was worth it. That anger that I had been carrying around with me for years melted away and I was left with a strange lightness. And when the CFS meant I had to move back in, I was grateful we had made our peace.
Before I got CFS and diabetes I had believed the only thing that could hold me back was my mindset. I am easily spooked. I find new experiences scary but also exciting. I knew I didn’t want my fear of things to get in my way. I knew I had to push myself and I did. But I did it with out really thinking. I pushed but I didn’t address why I found things scary. I wasn’t able to look critically at myself and get to the bottom of why I felt the way I felt.
I know this was partly to do with the fact I was still young. I wasn’t diagnosed with diabetes till I was 19. But I knew if I was ever going to move past the fears I had to understand why I felt them. These things that take time. When your working 45 hours a week, seeing friends, buying and cooking food and all the other things that you have to do when you live independently there is less time for thinking. Less time for understanding yourself. I had got started. I had a much better understanding of being autistic and my depression and how to deal with it, then I had when I had first left home.
Having everything I had known stripped from me made me look at things in a different light. I was no longer able to do the things I loved. I felt trapped in my own body. There was so much I wanted to do that I couldn’t. It was hard to face. It felt like I was drifting through the world with no purpose at all.
It took me a while to get my head into the right place. I went from dr appointment to dr appointment hoping one of them would tell me what was wrong with my body. It was hard to process my new life without knowing what was wrong. But once I had been put on the right track things got easier. I wasn’t happy with the way my life was going but there were things I could do about it.
I made changes. I started kayaking every week to get myself our the house and start to re kindle a social life. I began losing the weight I had put on after being diagnosed with diabetes and starting on insulin. I stopped blaming the world and started to look for the good things. I reminded myself that you have to choose to be happy, you can’t just wait and hope.
A year after getting ill I woke up with and idea for a story. When I was ill in Canada I had made my first attempt into novel writing but now I had a real idea. I threw myself into it. Writing became my main priority. I felt like I had a purpose again. I fell in love with writing. I never really knew what I wanted to do with my life but I soon realized I wanted to write. There was something about immersing myself in another world and channeling my characters thoughts and feeling that made me feel alive in a way nothing else did.
Despite my situation I’m happy. Everything has changed and sometimes it is hard but for the most part I am happy. I have learnt how to be happy even when things aren’t going my way. I know mindset is far more important then situation. And I have learnt things I didn’t even know I needed to learn. Even though it has been hard. Even though, at times, I have cursed my luck and wished with all my being that it didn’t have to be me, I wouldn’t change it for the world.
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the girl with the braid in her hair